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陳凱欣競選口號「Breaking Limitations」 英文新聞前講師:Doesn't make sense


參加立法會九龍西補選的5名候選人中,陳凱欣及李卓人均有製作英文選舉廣告,其餘3人未見有向選舉主任申報。眾新聞邀請中大新聞與傳播學院英文新聞前高級講師、曾任亞洲電視、香港電台、CNN、ABC News等機構的資深英文傳媒人陳婉雯(Yuen Chan),批改二人的競選理念/參選宣言的英文文法。

陳凱欣那篇不足300字的英文競選理念短文,幾乎每句都有錯處,被陳婉雯大幅修改。陳婉雯表示,該短文有多處語法錯誤、英語彆扭,整體寫作水平低劣(poor),顯示未經專業人士校對。陳凱欣的競選口號「欣為您・突破界限」,英文是「Breaking Limitations」,陳婉雯指這句話「Doesn't make sense」,不懂中文的人根本不會明白「Breaking Limitations」的意思。

至於李卓人的英文參選宣言,長逾600字,也有數個語法錯誤。陳婉雯指,整體行文簡潔到位,比陳凱欣的為佳。

 九龍西補選候選人包括:伍廸希、曾麗文、李卓人、馮檢基、陳凱欣。

陳凱欣的競選理念英文文稿,被陳婉雯以上述黃字改正。眾新聞製圖

陳凱欣競選理念英文版原文:

Hello, I am Yan CHAN.

Hong Kong is where Yan was born and raised; it is also where Yan studied, worked, became married and a mom-of-two.

The best and the toughest moments Yan experienced happened here. Therefore, Yan is concerned about every single thing that happens to this city.

Yan is ready to go a step further for the next generation. In Yan's opinion, the city has looked and felt different in recent years. There is more distrust, more rows, more backbiting and disarray amongst people, instilling the city with nothing but a pessimistic atmosphere; we can't breathe and we feel distressed. Yan believes that no one wants to see thing getting grey in Hong Kong.

Think about our next generation. Can we do better for them, the future pillars of our society? Yan have two kids who are curious about everything including their mum's work. "Mum, what makes you always busy recently? Visiting, taking care of patients? What for? We expected you have more time with us after leaving the government," said my kids. Before today, Yan has explained tirelessly over and over why mum still have works to do, even after leaving the government. However, because they are so young, they seem not yet to fully understand. But from today onwards, Yan will give them an answer that is entirely different. Yan will tell them, "Mom will work very hard to fight a war that is crucial to the better of future of you, and other kids."

陳婉雯修改版本:

Hello, I am Yan CHAN.

Hong Kong is where I was born and raised. It is also where I studied, worked, got married and became a mom-of-two.

I have experienced my best and toughest moments here and I am concerned about everything that happens to this city.

Now, I am ready to take a step further for the next generation. In recent years, the city has looked and felt different. Distrust, arguments and back-biting have increased among the people, causing a pessimistic atmosphere hanging over our city. It suffocates and distresses us. I believe nobody wants to see Hong Kong in this state.

Think of our next generation – the future pillars of society. Can we do better for them? I have two kids who are curious about everything, including their mum’s work. "Mum, why are you always busy recently? Are you visiting, taking care of patients? What for?" they ask me. "We expected you to have more time with us after leaving the government." I have tirelessly explained over and over why their mum still has work to do, even after leaving the government. However, they are so young that they do not seem to fully understand my replies. But from today onwards, I will give them a different answer. I will tell them, "Mom will work very hard to fight a war that is crucial for you and other kids to have a better future."

除上述已修改的地方,陳婉雯指出,原文「the city has looked and felt different」及「Before today」寫法奇怪,不明所以。文中母親一詞既有美式英語的「mom」,又有英式英語的「mum」,寫法不統一。最尾一句「Mom will work very hard to fight a war that is crucial to the better of future of you, and other kids.」更是非常差的英文。

綜觀全文,陳婉雯的評語是:整體寫作水平低劣,顯示未經專業人士校對,全文滿布語法錯誤及彆扭的英語。(The overall level of the writing is poor, it appears that the text has not been edited by a professional and is riddled with grammatical mistakes and awkward English. )

陳婉雯表示,陳凱欣在文中以第三人稱稱呼自己,這在中文而言已經夠差,在英文則更差。陳婉雯形容寫法奇怪、「作狀」(pretentious),屬非常差的做法。「陳明顯將自己放在(競選)運動的中心,試圖以親密的語氣,將自己與選民拉近。」

陳婉雯續指,陳凱欣行文語調溫和,顯然是「打溫情牌」,文中強調社會不和諧,但並沒有提及港人近年不滿、不快樂的根本原因。

李卓人推出中文、英文、尼泊爾文、泰文等多種語言的傳單。陳婉雯指出,圖中英文傳單上的「regardless ethnicity」,應作「regardless of ethnicity」。

李卓人參選宣言英文版原文(節錄):

A Fight For Our Next Generation – Election Manifesto

Under the Lion Rock, we no longer hear stories of upward mobility; instead, tens of thousands of families are crammed in subdivided units, while the rich cavort in vast golf  courses. And now the government wants to empty its treasury to build an artificial island for property developers.

Lies and pitfalls abound in the Hong Kong of today. What will the city of our next generation look like?

People ask me: "Why are you running again?"

We all have to step up when we hear the drumroll of desperation and injustice.

In the eighties, I entered the labor movement in the face of widespread exploitation.

After the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre, I joined the Hong Kong Alliance in Support of Patriotic Democratic Movements in China.

In 1995, I joined the Legislative Council to fight for labor rights and democracy.

In 1997, I was forced to step down after the handover; in 1998, I was elected again, with hopes of combating Chinese Communist intervention and fighting for our livelihoods.

But over the last two years, the Communist Party of China’s authoritarian inventions have only intensified. How can I stand on the sidelines?

In one struggle after another, I have won, and I have lost. But each time, I fought my hardest. These struggles aren't just the business of politicians or any one social class; they bring people together, for the greater good of Hong Kong's future.

陳婉雯修改版本:

A Fight For Our Next Generation – Election Manifesto

The people living under the Lion Rock no longer hear stories of upward mobility; instead, tens of thousands of families are crammed into subdivided units while the rich cavort on vast golf courses. And now the government wants to empty its treasury to build an artificial island for property developers.

Lies and pitfalls abound in today's Hong Kong.What will the city look like for our next generation?

People ask me: "Why are you running again?"

We all have to step up when we hear the drumroll of desperation and injustice.

In the eighties, I entered the labor movement in the face of widespread exploitation of workers.

After the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre, I joined the Hong Kong Alliance in Support of Patriotic Democratic Movements in China.

In 1995, I joined the Legislative Council to fight for labor rights and democracy

In 1997, I was forced to step down after the handover; in 1998, I was re-elected with the hope of combating Chinese Communist intervention and to fight for our livelihoods.

But over the last two years, the Communist Party of China's authoritarian interventions have only intensified. How can I stand on the sidelines?

In one struggle after another, I have won, and I have lost. But each time, I fought my hardest. These struggles aren't just the business of politicians or any one social class; they bring people together, for the greater good of Hong Kong's future.

陳婉雯認為,李卓人的文稿寫得比陳凱欣為佳,前者的重點都能以簡單語言清晰表達,大部份都是簡單的句子結構及短段落。雖然文中有部分語法錯誤,可再作修改,但整體行文簡潔到位。

陳婉雯批改李卓人的英文參選宣言。

陳婉雯又指,李卓人在文章表達其理念及參選原因,並非以李本人說起,而是描繪困擾香港的弊病,例如正收窄的自由、日增的中國干預,以及劉小麗被DQ,繼而講述他過去為解決社會不平、不義所做的事。有別於陳凱欣,李卓人強調其政績,並解釋他不能袖手旁觀,「這部分的訊息與陳凱欣的相若,但他交出的原因遠比陳的具體,他不是打溫情牌。」

口號比併 

陳婉雯又留意到二人的英文口號:

陳凱欣: Breaking Limitations

李卓人:Fight for our next generation

陳婉雯的評語為:「Lee Cheuk-yan's "Fight for our next generation" is quite expected, nothing special but it gets the message across in a clear manner. The English is perfectly fine. Yan Chan's "Breaking Limitations" doesn't really make sense. A reader who doesn't understand Chinese would not really get what she is trying to say. What limitations? Break how? It's even grammatically awkward. 」

陳婉雯的意思指,李卓人的「Fight for our next generation」頗在預料之內,並無特別,但訊息能清晰表達;陳凱欣的「Breaking Limitations」是不通的,不懂中文者不會明白她想表達什麼。

陳凱欣的橫額印有其競選口號「欣為您・突破界限」、「Breaking Limitations」。資料圖片

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